Beware to look for a role model in others.
The only person that is qualified to be your advisor is yourself!
The prime directive that is considered the basic for all relationships is:
"Respect for each other's FREE WILL."
Neither one of us should do something within a relationship that would harm or reduce the freewill of the other. It does not mean that you cannot make compromises based on mutual agreement, but neither one has the right to INSIST that the other has to follow a direction that seems to be beneficial to only one.
When two persons have decided to share their lives, they really become one and even Jesus said that "a house divided against itself can not stand."
The issue here is about RESPECT for each others reality and freedom of choice.
Surely we might think "OK, so I must respect our freedom of choice, so we actually can do whatever we want", but we first have to define what freedom is.
Freedom could be defined as follows:
"The right to do whatever you want to do, without violating the rights of others."
This of course excludes "insisting" or "forcing" the other party to participate in anything which would compromise one's feeling of dignity, self esteem or comfortable state.
If one party really wants to do something that would satisfy only one's own appetite, than let it be done outside the perimeters of mutual presence. At least both parties should have the decency to respect that.
They say Love is blind, but Love is only blind for those who do not understand what Love actually is. Love has nothing to do with tolerance. It might be expressed as patience, but never as a letter of credit to accept anything the other one comes up with.
Marriage is all about 'sharing' and of course if people's realities are extremely 'out of sync', they should have never married in the first place. Our level of sharing determines the level of happiness in a relationship.
There is the 80-20% rule. If one could share 80% of one's desires, realities and goals with a partner, who truly feels the same way about it, our chances to make a relationship work would be a lot higher than when it's the other way around.
Now we're not talking about things like differences in taste, color or other things that are futile to mention. We're talking about essential things that could harm our self esteem, our dignity, our pride and principles we cherish.
When a person really loves someone, one would never "insist" or "force" the other one to do something against one's own will. Love is really the opposite. Love allows and stimulates a person to grow into the being the person really is and does not convert him or her into a follower just to 'please' the other.
Everything we share with each other must also be beneficial to each other, otherwise it is not sharing, but a selfish way to get what you want, even if that would mean violating the rights of the other.
Basically there is nothing wrong to be of service to the other, as long as it is done on a voluntary basis with respect of our own being, for that is the reason we started a relationship in the first place.
So let's question ourselves very honestly:
We all know the saying: "Never make decisions out of fear, but never fear to make them!"
- Do I really DESIRE getting involved in this?
- Do I really have FUN participating or does it feel more like an obligation?
- Did I have any part in the origin of the idea?
- Does it really contribute to my feeling of happiness, my self esteem, my pride, my being?
- Do I feel recognized as a valuable partner or does it feel I am just an extension to the desires of One?
- Just let your inner voice speak and follow your basic instinct that represents you and not your fears that might come up and begs for mercy to prevent possible pain or discomfort.
So let's never make a decision based on fear (to lose the other), but one that would honor and strengthen the real person inside us, for that is the one who will always accompany us, even when this lifetime is over and let's face it... we don't wanna screw ourselves!
- Max DeJong, author of "THEN - The Inner Dialogues"